A head as round as a Christmas pudding, a body shaped like a butternut squash (pear is being too kind), legs as short as a Corgi, feet as wide as a Hobbit yet hands as small as an Elf (if Elves had sausages for fingers)….

No not a weird creature from the latest straight to DVD horror movie in the bargain basement bin of your local supermarket but a very accurate description of my body shape.

Given this outlandish body type, it is of course wholly unfair to expect to find clothing of any type, let alone cycle clothing, that fits well consistently.

Generally, in everyday clothes I wear an L or XL but it can be a little unpredictable. Gone are the days, where like most men, I simply pick my size off the rail and pay without so much as a cursory look at where the nearest fittings rooms are. Instead, now if I am buying, I am trying.

This sizing problem is compounded even more when considering cycling apparel. I kid you not, I literally have (and can fit in too) everything from a Medium to an XXL in my wardrobe.

Surprisingly I have noticed an interesting trend, the more expensive something is the tighter fitting it becomes. So more expensive = less material, cheers manufacturers you are too kind. Of course this is an oversimplification and you pay for a lot more than just material, but still!

In my experience, a certain Italian brand (Castelli) in particular comes up very snug and has me starting at at least an XL, but as its also my favourite cycle producer I endure the embarrassment of reaching for the big sizes. As an example, I brought my first ever cycle cap a couple of months ago and to say it is a little small on me is like saying Mr Armstrong likes to tell a white lie or two. It is so small that it fits my future Rainbow jersey perfectly and he is only 18 months old (though that might say more about his big head?!)

Another example of the disparity between sizes comes from the RideLondon weekend when myself and Mr Less Roly both bought Endura jerseys at the show. My friend on two wheels went Large but being slightly (OK much) chubbier I hit the XL. Mine fitted perfectly and is I have to say the most comfortable jersey I own, whilst my colleagues was pornographically tight!! This is despite him being much smaller than me.

Supporting your LBS (local bike shop) is of course important but I am guilty of using the internet to find a bargain or two, but this becomes a game of Doritos roulette (seriously you should try it, the hot ones are crazy hot!). Do I go L, XL, XXL well put simply it depends how thin (or fat) I feel on the day, and then I just hope it fits. Most of the time this works out OK but occasionally it backfires. At last count I have a Garmin Sharp team jersey from last year, and a Madison Genesis gilet from this waiting for me to shrink down enough to actually fit (sizes XL on both counts).

The simple solution is of course to ride more, eat less and shrink down to a Small or Medium and whilst its good to have goals this can’t be achieved over night. Instead for now I will keep Royal Mail in business and purchase the same item in 4 sizes and keep the one that makes me look least sausage-like.

I guess I just need to remember sizing in general, and for cycle clothing in particular, is a minefield and the best way to defeat it is to stop eating cake (quietly puts his fork down).